the ignorant warmth

Oh dear lord. This will not end well.

The wife is going out of town, off to a far off land known as Charleston in the more southern of the Carolinas for some bachelorette party.

Obviously, this a big deal for her since she is leaving her seven month old child for a weekend for the first time ever. And she’s really broken up about it. The wife, that is. But she promised she would attend this girls weekend all those months ago. She couldn’t anticipate just how hard it would be to leave her baby for a couple days. 

So anyway …

I’m in charge this weekend. Just me and Lu. We’re going to have lots of fun. Here’s a bulletpointed list of plans for the weekend because I like bulletpoints:

• Go to the farmers market
• Go for a long walk by the river and look at ducks and run away from stupid geese
• Go to the record store and look cool turdly wearing a baby bjorn and perusing vintage vinyl
• Not cutting the grass because, duh, who’s gonna watch the kid?
• Watch sesame street or curious george well after Lucy has fallen asleep, then thinking to myself, “Why am I still watching this?” but still not turning it off
• Drinking only two beers because any more than that makes me a bad father
• Ordering a lot a lot a lot of pizza and chinese food
• Changing poopy diapers
• Sing a song in French, like Frére Jacques, then proclaim that I am raising my child to be bilingual
• Take picture of Lucy in her swimsuit and photoshop her in the pool so the wife gets mad because she thinks I took her swimming for the first time with out her, then reveal my joke and get punched in the face

Just stop already.

I’ve had enough. 

And I’m not buying your stupid sprint HTC.

You know what? I do. I like being a dad. I may not be a GOOD dad. Or maybe I’m just OKAY at it. I don’t know. Bill Cosby would have to evaluate my fatherhood. But I totally get why some people choose to not procreate. And I respect your decision. Because it takes a special person. And I honestly didn’t know if I could do it a year ago. Turns out, I can. And I think I’m doing a great job. So far. 

Ask me again in 15 years and I bet my answer will be different. But for now, I’m just hitting’ my stride.

Have any of you people had invisalign before? How long does it take to get used to them?

I’ve been wearing mine for a couple days now. They’re uncomfortable. They don’t hurt… they’re just uncomfortable. And annoying. 

I went out for lunch this afternoon and tried to take them out discreetly in the parking lot as I walking into the restaurant but I drooled all over my shirt. Ladies.

Also, why the hell am I doing this again?

If there was a pill that could make you 6 inches taller, would you take it? Yes.

• Even if it meant spending a couple thousand dollars on a new wardrobe? Yes.
• What if the pill cost $1,000? Yes. 
• $2,000? Yes.
• A million dollars? No.

If you won $250,000 what would you do with the money? Pay debt.

• Then what? You surely don’t have THAT much debt, do you? No, not that much. I guess I’d put the rest toward my kid’s education. It’s not like I’d have too much left over after taxes and paying off my mountain of debt. We’re not talking $250 MILLION, here. Now THAT is a dollar figure I should be daydreaming about.

Geese are dicks. But why do you act like such a wuss around them?

• Duh. Remember that one time a goose bit me in the ass and left a mark that stayed for weeks? You really can’t blame me for going out of my way to avoid them. 
• Yeah, but you make an ass out of yourself in public with your squealing and hiding behind trees.
• Okay, I’ll toughen up around them. I’ll show those jerks who’s boss.
• No you won’t. You’re a giant sissypants.

Wouldn’t it be cool if you were in a band and got to be on stage and belt out songs and everyone thought you were the most raddest, coolest dude?

• Yeah, that would rock. Listen as I sing this song as loud as I can in the car where no one can hear me: ♫ ♪ LA LALALA LALALA LA LA ♪ ♬
• It would be nice if you could actually sing. Or at least play an instrument. 
• BE QUIET! YOU’RE RUINING MY PERFORMANCE.

Unfortunately, I am completely grillless.

Not a problem. Just upload a picture of your depressingly empty space where you would wish you could prepare delicious grilled foods.

But if you would like the chance to win a brand new outdoor grill, I suggest you do so on my company’s facebook page. 

Take a picture of your old grill. Upload it. Get votes. Win. The end.

Also, you will help me keep my job by affirming that I am running a successful social campaign. Please help me keep my job so I can feed my child and post more pictures of her all over the internet.