Fine, I’ll do it. Buckle up, kids. Here we go.
A - Age: thirty-fucking-two
B - Bed Size: Queen. That’s right. Queen. Of course I want a King, but we have a brand new Queen size bed set that my grandmother-in-law bought us. Why she couldn’t buy us a king size mattress is beyond me.
C - Chore You Hate: Grocery shopping. Hell-to-the-no. I get lost in there and can never find the goddamn olives. You’d think they’d be near the pickles. But NOOOOO. Lines are ridiculously long and the cashiers act like they’d rather be sexting their boyfriends than ringing me up. Newsflash, Tanisha, I’d rather be sexting your boyfriend than grocery shopping. So let’s at least pretend to smile at each other while you scan the olives it took me a half-hour to find.
D - Don’t Eat: My sister-in-law is Japanese. Like, REALLY Japanese, as in never-set-foot-in-America-until-January-of-this-year Japanese. She eats these dried fish thingies like they’re potato chips. And they smell like boiled hobo vagina. She’s got some sort of dried squid jerky or something, too. She loves it. I gag if I’m around it. It stinks up the whole house. Love her. Hate her snacks.
E - Essential Start of the Day Item: Toilet. Otherwise, I’m peeing on the floor.
F - Favorite Board Game: Trivial Pursuit. I am a wealth of useless pop culture factoids.
G - Gold or Silver: Are you serious? I refuse to answer on the grounds that this is a stupid question.
H - Height: 5’6”. I’m not ashamed. I’ll still look down on your 6ft ass.
I - Instruments You Play: I play a little guitar, a little bass and a lot of air drums.
J - Job Title: All purpose lackey
K - Kids: Working on it. But I hear they’re delicious.
L - Love or Lust: A nice balance of the two is essential. Love alone can become boring. Lust alone is dangerous. Keep love a little dangerous and put a little extra passion into love.
M - Mom’s Name: Sandra
N - Nicknames: None that ever stuck past the 1990s.
O - Overnight Hospital Stays Other ThAn Birth: Third grade. Pneumonia. I was a bubble boy for a few weeks. It was more serious than I realized at the time.
P - Pants or Pantyhose: *sigh* Really? You couldn’t think of a different question for P? How about Pneumonia? Because, if you were paying attention, yes, I had that in 3rd grade.
Q - Famous Movie Quote: Fuck you. Pay me.
R - Right or Left Handed: Right
S - Sibling(s): Three. Two brothers, one sister. I’m the oldest.
T - Time You Usually Wake Up: Whenever the cat says it’s time. Or whenever the wife leaves and slams the door and the dog starts barking like he’s never going to see her again. So usually around 7.
U - Underwear: Under where? There? Under there?
V -Vegetable Favorite: Tomato. “Hey, jackass, a tomato is a fruit!” Go fuck yourself.
W - Ways You Run Late: Not caring about where I’m supposed to be. If I care, I’ll be there on time. If I don’t, you’re lucky if I show up at all.
X - X-Rays You’ve Had: Many. Foot, ankle, wrist, teeth, chest, collarbone. Okay, not my collarbone. But If I had an x-ray machine, I’d be x-raying the shit outta my bones just to see what’s going on in there or if I need some Boniva like Sally Field..
Y - Yummy Food You Make: Let the record show that I think no grown ass adult person should every say “yummy.” You’re not six, nor are you trying to convince a six year old to eat their carrots. But I make a killer chicken marsala. I make delicious pasta dishes. Runs in the Italian side of the family, I guess.
Z - Zoo Favorite: I like ‘em all. Especially the ones that are illegal to own. Big ass cats like lions and tigers are pretty darn cool. Gorillas and other primates are interesting to me, too. I think polar bears are majestic creatures. I don’t like hippos. They’re dumb. Stupid hippos. Hippopotamus. I mean, who thought of that name? How ‘bout something a little more less douchey. Like Bladow. “Yo! Did you see the bladows at the zoo? One of them yawned and his mouth was HUUUGGEEE! I was like, BLADOW! That bladow has a big pie hole!”