This is Lunchtime. Every. Single. Day.
Me: I think I'd like a sandwich.
Dog: Can I have one, too?
Me: No. You have dog food. Why don't you eat that like a normal dog.
Cat: Yo, what up, beotches? Can a kitteh get some vittles up in here?
Me: Dammit, I just fed you an hour ago.
Cat: Yo, calm down, whiteboy. I just want a slice of that turkey. Is that turkey? That's turkey, right? Can I get a slice?
Me: Get off the counter!
Dog: Hey, cat! Grab me a slice of that turkey!
Me: Dammit! Get out of here, both of you!
Cat: Oh, snap! That shit ain't turkey! Homeboy got some thinly sliced chicken breast up in here! Holla!
Dog: This is soooo not fair. I have to eat processed chunks of cornmeal and beef-flavored horse meat. I demand a decent meal - or at least a snack - every once in a while. You know how I like chicken, too. This is preposterous.
Cat: So... I'm just gonna take this here piece of chicken and...
Me: NO! GET DOWN! [picks up cat and throws him in the other room].
Dog: You're a real asshole, you know that?
Me: This is MY food. I paid for it. With MY money. That I made. What the hell have you ever done to earn your keep around here?
Dog: Oh, I don't know. How 'bout not let burglars and murderers in the house? Ever think of that?
Dog: That's right. Remember that kid selling magazines the other day? Total burglar! I scared him away.
Me: You just barked a lot because he's black and you're a flaming racist.
Dog: Well... whatever. He might have been a burglar and you weren't going to buy Golf Fancy Monthly anyway. Just give me some frickin' turkey!
Me: It's chicken.
Dog: WhatEVERRR. Damn. You're a dick.
Me: [Goes to the fridge to get the mayonnaise. Yes, I eat mayo.] EAT YOUR OWN DAMN FOOD.
Cat: [secretly climbs his way back onto the counter and starts licking the chicken breast] Guess who's back up in this mofo! Dayuummmm! This is some good-ass chicken! What is this, Boar's Head? What, What! Hey, Dog, catch! [nudges a side of the sandwich into the gaping mouth of Dog.]
Me: SONOFABITCH! Get out. NOW! [opens the back door. Cat & Dog laughing hysterically race outside. Dog is doing the moonwalk and the cat is thrusting his pelvis like he's violently humping the air.]
Cat: Yeah, booooyyyyyy! [singing] We gots the chicken. It be nice and tasty. I ate that chicken. Whiteboy be crazy.
Dog: I'm gonna go pee on the lawn mower.
Oil Change and a Prayer
Being a super busy, always on the go and devastatingly handsome young professional, *cough*, I tend to overlook the daily nuances and hassles that regular non-busy and non-handsome folks have to think about. Did I feed the cat? Did I put on clean underwear? Did I forget to wash my hair in the shower? When is the last time I changed the furnace filter? Did I leave the dog in the car on a...
The Dog & Cat wish I had a real job
According to my calculations, (yes, I know how to do calculations thanks to my iPhone’s calculator function) September 2009 will be the month that I make more money than I ever did during any month working for The Man(s). For the first time since my untimely departure from a Richmond meat factory media conglomerate in April, I’ll be pulling in grown-up wages with grown-up decimal...
I'm 31. Get off my lawn.
I turned 31 yesterday. Not exactly a milestone birthday like 16, 21 or 30. I spent it writing articles, slinging long-sleeved t-shirts and v-neck sweaters and watching my Bills lose a heartbreaker to the Patriots on Monday Night Football. Just take a knee, Leodis. Take a knee. Why couldn’t you have taken a knee? Anyway, I could depress myself for the rest of the week thinking about how...
One time, my mom bought me a Big Mac. Thanks a...
This scene takes place at a McDonald’s sometime in 1986, Niagara Falls Blvd, Niagara Falls, NY: Young Matt: Ma. Ma. Ma. Mom. Mom. Hey, ma? Ma? Mom? Hey? Mom? Ma? Mom: [Whispering] I’m going to destroy you. Young Matt: Huh? Hey, ma! Mom! Guess what! Guess what, mom. Mom? Guess what. Mom: WWHHHHAAAATTTT? …God dammit… Young Matt: Ma, I want a Big Mac. Mom: [Clenched-teeth...
I live with furry pranksters (or Sept. SMCRVA...
Me: [sleeping] Zzz… Zzz… Zzz… Dog: [resting his head on the bed mere inches from my slumbering face] Siiiiigggghhhhh. Me: Zzz… Zzz... Cat: [Jumps up on the bed, then on top of me and walks the entire length of my body, from toe to head and begins to bite my nose]. Me: Zzz… Zzz… ZzOUCH! [Opening my eyes, all I can see is orange and brown fur and feel...