Yes, dog of mine, now would be the perfect time for you to get some sort of skin ailment. No, I can’t afford to take my wife out to dinner, but sure, you go ahead and scratch yourself raw. I’ll just call the vet and schedule an appointment for you. Would you prefer morning or afternoon? Cash or charge? Will you need sedatives because you act like a gorilla on LSD whenever you’re in public? Sure, I’ll pick up some of those for you, too. Don’t worry about paying me back - I’ll put it all on a credit card and when the bill comes, I’ll fake my death and buy a new identity from one of those Mexican coyotes. You can get a new identity, too! How ‘bout we turn you into a dog that CAN GET A JOB AND PAY FOR YOUR OWN DAMN MEDICATION. But in the meantime, you just sit on the floor all doped up and we’ll watch the rash magically disappear over the course of the next few weeks. Hey, It’s time for Maury! You like Maury! Go ahead and lie down and watch TV. Can I get you anything? Milkbone? Rawhide? Punch in the Face? Some best friend you are. You did this to me on purpose.
Other than charging 300 smacks on a vet visit for a dog who likes to rub salt in my financial wound, I’ve been working the mall job and applying for employment like crazy. This week’s city of focus is Raleigh, North Cackalacky. Yes, scenic Raliegh, the City of Oaks (because of all the oak trees, I guess). The job listings in that city have been blowing up for the past few weeks and I want in on the economic boom. Know someone in Raleigh? Put me in touch with them and I’ll knock their socks off with my expertise, talent and ravishing charm.
The job I interviewed for last week may be slipping out of my grasp. I haven’t heard anything back yet and the job listing has been removed from the website. An email inquiring about the position has yet to be returned. What is the proper etiquette on a follow up phone call, anyway? Are people still doing that? How long am I supposed to wait? A week? A few days? I don’t want to seem too desperate, but I’ve already counted my chickens. They haven’t even hatched yet! By my count, I’ll have 7 chickens this time next week.
For now, I’m sticking to the game plan and sending out my credz and networking like a champ. Trying to remain positive, but it’s tough - especially when I see people around me getting all the things they deserve. Houses. Babies. Raises. Recognition. I’m not jealous. I’m not jealous. I’m not jealous. But my little sister is about to buy a house at 23. I’m 30 and can’t even afford a car payment. I’m very happy for her. But really, what did I do wrong? I can blame myself all day long (because my poor educational and financial choices have put me in this situation), but I’m trying to look at as a new beginning and the start of something great. I’m ready. My wife is ready. Let’s do this. I’m gonna get me a jobby-job that will allow me to live a somewhat normal life. Who’s with me?!?! Hello?
This is Day 76, folks. I’m poking my dog with a stick. He doesn’t even blink! He’s so doped up. This is great. More résumés to be sent. Get ready, future employer! You’re about to lose your socks.