the ignorant warmth

*note - my new blog site, mattonfire.net, is up and running. Text blogs will be posted there from now on. Trying to get out of posting text on tumblr. I may just keep it around for pictures and whatnot. But here’s my latest post:*

I’m spending the week in Western New York. Just me. No wife. No dog. No cat. Just me. At my parents’ house.

The reason for the trip is my buddy’s wedding. We already had the bachelor party on Saturday, which consisted of a bunch of men standing around a bonfire drinking beer and complaining about work. Then we merged our get together with the bachelorette party and all hell broke loose. Because you know how guys like to show off in front of girls - especially when there’s a-a-a-a-a-alcohol involved. Do know the most effective way to get a country lady’s attention? Recklessly ride a lawnmower around the yard while wearing a motorcycle helmet, which - in turn - becomes being chased by the lawnmower driven by someone else, until you throw up. Again. No strippers (what!?), but still one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a good long while. I swear - it’s way more redneck in Upstate NY than it is in Virginia.

I hate going out of town without the wife. Yeah, I miss her and all that nonsense, but the real pain in the ass is when she calls me to say there is a problem with our computer. I certainly can’t fix it from here. And I don’t trust my basic troubleshooting knowledge enough to give her instructions over the phone. Long story short - I think the hard drive in our 2 year old iMac is failing (already?!?!). I will cut a bitch if I lose all my work. And my music. And my pictures of cute little animals with funny misspelled phrases. And all my Yo Dawg memes.

I gave her the only instructions I felt confident enough to say: Shut it down and don’t touch it - don’t look at it - don’t even think about it - until I come home. Because that’s how we fix problems in my house.

Wifey: [Calling from the other room] Matt! There’s something wrong with the _____.
Me: [Relaxing my fat ass on the couch] Just press the _______ and make sure the ______ is _______. It should work fine.
Wifey: [2 minutes later] Can you come here, God Dammit! It’s broke!
Me: [Mumbling and grumbling incoherently as I pause How It’s Made, get off the couch and stomp into whatever room she’s in, press a button and stomp back to the couch and unpause my show].
Wifey: You’re so smart! Thanks, honey!

I’m trying to get some writing done while I’m at the ‘rents house, but it sort of feels like I’m doing homework. And Lord knows I didn’t do too much of that while I was in school. I watched a lot of Jerry Springer and ate deli meats. It just feels natural to do that now. Maybe I should hit up a coffee shop, but I forgot the laptop - which is a good thing because The Wife has to use it to make worksheets and pictures of letters or something that get Cheerios pasted onto it.

I may go down to the lake and walk around for a little while. I love the fall and it is in full swing here in the Buffalo region. Multicolored leaves changing and falling. Smells like rotten apples and burning cowpoop. Maybe I’ll put on my Class of ‘96 letterman jacket, hang out in the school parking lot talkin’ ‘bout how I used to be ‘king of this bitch’ and offer to buy beer & smokes for the high schoolers. They’ll think I’m still cool, right?

It’s good to be back home. Wish The Wife was with me. Gotta go. Springer is about to give his final thought and there’s a piece of salami calling my name.